Molly and I are on our way to Slutzcutz.

    “I’m actually genuinely impressed,” I say.

    Molly is removing the black scrunchy from her auburn hair, “My impulse is at a maximum, so I may as well exploit it.”

    ”What does Randy make of all this?”

    “Don’t call him Randy,” she says, “his name is Randolph.”

    “Sorry,” I say. (Randolph!)

    “I haven’t told him yet,” says Molly, ” anyway, if he doesn’t like it he knows what he can do.”

    “I’m not sure I’d be too thrilled if my girlfriend shaved all her hair off,” I say. “I still have problems coming to terms with bald vaginas.”

    Molly turns to me, “Really? You don’t like shaven havens?”

    I shake my head, “No, I’m not keen. I mean, I wouldn’t say no, but I’d be secretly thinking about the privet.”

    ”But it can be said that shaven ones are more hygenic.”

    ”Why?” I argue.”I mean, as long as they’re getting a regular rinse there shouldn’t be a hygeine issue. It’s like all this business about circumcisions being more hygenic than non-circumcised. All a guy has to do is keep it clean and there’s no trouble.”

    “So you’re not circumcised then?” asks Molly.

    “No,” I say, “why would I be snipped?”

    “No reason. I just thought you were.”

    “Well,” I say, mentally adjusting my underwear, “let’s just say I don’t need a tee shirt; I’m perfectly happy with my turtleneck, thank you very much.”

     “Yeh, well,” says Molly, putting her scrunchy in her handbag, “I don’t blame you; we do get a lot of weather.”

     We reach Slutzcutz and head inside. Meredith looks up from a blonde mop of hair and smiles, “Hello, you two. I won’t be long.”

     She seems to be on her own here. Molly and I sit down and I start to thumb through Heat magazine. I hate these bloody cretinous magazines.

     “Ooooh!” I say, “that TV actress has cellulite! Well, I never!!!“

     “That is interesting to some people,” says Molly, entirely unconvincingly.

     I flick through a couple of pages, ” ‘My Secret Cheese Hell’.”

     “Believe it or not,” says Molly, ” there are people out there with problems.”

     “Tell me about it,” I say, ” most of whom are the ones that read this pile of monkey spunk.”

     Molly takes the magazine off me and opens it to a different page, “I see that singer is in the Priory again. Surprise surprise.”

     “Yaaaaaaawwwwwnnnnnn…” I put my hands behind my head and lean back in the chair, “Bloody A-list celebrities.”

     “She’s not an A-list celebrity,” says Molly. “She likes to think she is but she isn’t. She’s not even B-list. She’s a Z-list celebrity. She’s a Zelebrity.”

     Meredith finishes her client’s hairdo and takes payment. After the blonde leaves, she comes over to us. She really does have a lovely smile, even though you can still see the slight blemish where she split her cheek on the fireplace.

     “Same again, Molly?” she asks.

     “Errr, no…” says Molly, standing up. “I actually…want you to take it all off…”

     Meredith seems a little confused, “Take it all off?”

     Molly nods defiantly, “That’s right, Merry. All of it. I want the full Right Said Fred.”

     Meredith glances at me and I shrug. She doesn’t seem entirely convinced by Molly’s resolve, “Okay…come and have a seat over here.”

     As Molly sits and gets prepped by Meredith, I realise that I’m actually quite looking forward to this. I love Molly to bits, don’t get me wrong; but a tiny piece of me secretly hopes she freaks out at her new bald head.

    Molly reassures her once more that this is what she wants, and so Meredith plugs in the shaver and starts by removing part of the right side. It is then that I realise I need to be excused. If I go here, I can be back in seconds.

     “Meredith?”

     “Yes?” she replies with her back to me.

     “Would it be okay if I used your lavatory?”

     “That’s fine. It’s through the back there,” she says, pointing with her head.

     I get up and walk past the counter into the rear of the shop. There are boxes of hair products stacked up along one wall, a tiny kitchen area opposite, and then the toilet. I go in, turn the light on and sit down. The seat is loose and there is no lock. After a few moments, the light suddenly goes out and I’m left sitting in complete darkness. I hear Meredith shout “shit” and Molly groan. Not a power cut? Hang on, did I notice any bog roll when I came in here? Aaah, now…this could be inconvenient. I search all around me and then give a sigh of relief as my left hand lands on something soft, strong and hopefully very long.

     Just then, Molly springs through the door and closes it behind her. I can hear her breathing heavily in the dark.

     “Wow,” I say, “I didn’t realise this kind of thing turned you on.”

     “Shhhh,” she hisses.

     “What’s wrong?” I ask, never mind the fact I’m talking to a woman while sitting on a broken toilet in the dark.

     “Boxhead,” she whispers.

     “Really?”

     “Will you keep your voice down!”I hear Molly press her head to the toilet door, “I glimpsed her in the doorway and rushed in here. It’s quite dim out there so I don’t think she really saw me. We’ve had a power cut.”

     “Oh, I hadn’t noticed. I always go to the toilet in total darkness. Come to think of it, GET OUT!”

     “SHHHHH!!!” she hisses again. Then I hear her gasp as there is a sharp knock on the door.

     “Molly? Are you in there?”

     I hear Molly step away from the door, and then she sits on my lap.

     “It’s her,” she says.

     There is another knock, “Molly?”

     “The game’s up, ” I say, ” and this is really uncomfortable.”

     “I guess I’d better talk to her,” says Molly. She stands up and goes to the door. I feel my legs; I’m going to have red lines on my thighs now. Molly opens the door a fraction and slips out, closing it behind her. I finish up as quickly as possible and pull the chain. I might actually get the chance to see what this woman with a head shaped like a box looks like finally. She sounded quite sexy anyway. I exit the lavatory and immediately bump into Meredith who is holding a torch. I can hear Molly and Boxhead in the salon but cannnot see them.

     “Can you help me?” asks Meredith, smiling.

     “Sure,” I say.

     “I need a hand with the fusebox. Could you hold the ladder while I go up and take a look at it?”

     “Sure,” I say again.

     We go to where all the stock is and Meredith tugs a stepladder from a darkened corner. I hold it steady and she climbs, aiming the torch beam at the big black fusebox near the ceiling. I’m trying to crane my neck so I can see into the salon but Boxhead is out of sight.

     “Can you take a look aswell?” asks Meredith from above me, “Just to double check.”

     “Sure,” I say, and move out of the way so she can climb down past me. I take the torch from her and go up to the top. The step ladder is resting unconvincingly on the stacks of cardboard containers. I take a look at the fusebox. Just then, the cardboard gives way and I feel the ladder swing violently sideways, throwing me to the left so that my back hits the boxes and I slide to the floor. I hear Meredith say “shit” again just before something strikes me on the head and I get a sudden claustrophobic feeling. Then I feel the uncomfortable trickle and scent of shampoo on my face. Then I feel the ladder swing on to my legs. I hear footsteps get louder.

    “What happenned?” I hear Molly say.

    I hear high-heeled footsteps stop at my feet, “Well, that’s veeeerrry funny, I must say.”

    Wow, Boxhead really does have a sexy voice.

    “I am well aware that people think I have a head shaped like a box, but to do a hamfisted, ill-concieved, junior school impression of me just stinks! I hope you’re satisfied with yourself!”

     I hear the high heels turn sharply and click-clack out of the salon. I try and take the cardboard box off my head, but my face is packed in tight with bottles. Then I finally get some assistance from Molly and Meredith. They help me up and we go in to the salon. There is still some light coming through the windows. Meredith gives me a towel and I wipe the shampoo from my face and hair.

     “I should thank you, ” says Molly, “that really got rid of her. Nice work.”

     I wipe gunk from my eyes, “My pleasure.” I’ll see what Boxhead looks like one day. I look at Molly, and then burst into laughter.

     Molly puts her hands on her hips, “Come on then…laugh it up. Let’s go, let’s go.”

     The entire right hand side of Molly’s hair is missing, while the left hand side remains completely untouched.

     “I knew you were in two minds about this, ” I say.

     Meredith puts her phone away, “I can’t get an electrician until the morning.”

     “What?!” screeches Molly.

     “I could cut it but you’ll still need to come back and have it tidied up,” says Meredith. “I don’t have anything that runs on batteries.”

     “Molly’s got something that runs on batteries,” I say.

     Molly gives me the evils and then she turns to Meredith, “Well, I have to be somewhere soon. Do you have a hat I could borrow?”

     Meredith smiles apologetically and pulls a baseball cap from under the counter. Molly takes it with a disgusted expression on her face. I hate baseball caps too. She put it on, folding her Human League haircut up into it first. Then she looks in the mirror.

     “I look homeless,” she laments.

     And yet, I think to myself, strangely accessible.