I have a mate who has a mate who likes to be known as a professional mugger, but apparently on the weekend he robbed a guy because he thought he had a BlackBerry in his trouser pocket but it turned out to be a late-eighties science calculator.

   “He should stick to lying in bed til four in the afternoon,” I say as I uncork a fresh bottle.

   I hear Wurzel grunt on the other end of the phone and then a familiar rush of noise.

   “Are you on the bog?” I ask.

   “I was,” coughs Wurzel.

   “You sound terrible,” I say, “I don’t think you’re looking after yourself.”

   I pour my eighth glass of red of the afternoon and take the phone in to the lounge and sit on the sofa.

   “Actually,” says Wurzel, “I’m thinking about taking up rock climbing.”

   “You?” I say incredulously, “Why don’t you just cut some of the gear out?”

   “I will…some time…”

   I check my watch and then remember it doesn’t work. The battery in my watch stopped a couple of months ago and even though I haven’t had it replaced I am still wearing it to avoid that nude feeling. Not wearing a watch feels like I’m going around with my pink bling hanging out, except that watches tend to have two hands on them.

   “Well, I’ve got to go,” I say.

   “So soon?”

   “Yes. I was in the middle of reading a book when you called.”

   “A book?….Wow….” says Wurzel, without a shred of sarcasm.

   “Yes, a book. You remember what a book is, don’t you, Wurz?”

   “Hey,” replies Wurzel defensively, “I read.”

   “You?” I say. “You don’t read. You think Waterstones is a genital infection.”

   I purchased two novels recently and I’m just starting on the second, “A Curious Earth” by Gerard Woodward. I prefer this to the first one. The first one ( I won’t reference author or title just in case he’s listening) I had a problem with as it was written in first person but I didn’t particularly like that person – misery guts. I was very careful as I was reading it and as it still looks new someone will be receiving it this Christmas with love.

   “Listen, I have to go.” I say.

   “Okay, but are you still going to come for drinks next week?”

   “I’ll let you know,” I say and hang up.

   It’s well-documented that I don’t like my job very much. I don’t smoke during the day much anymore. I think I just get stunned into boredom quite quickly and I don’t recover until I’m either in the pub or at home.

   I drink my wine and realise that whenever I speak to Wurzel on the phone I’m left with ringing in my ears. I’ll finish this glass and then call work to tell them I’ll be back in tomorrow.